On the top of the CVS receipt of Things That My Ex Hated About Me (read: was emasculated by) was that I did too many things. The part that was most bothersome, apparently, was that I wasn’t an expert at any of them - yet.
I started this Substack in the wake of our break up. I’d never turned to writing before - not for creative nor therapeutic reasons - but once I found it difficult to get out of bed, I knew I had to experiment with more creative vices. People who woke up and turned over in bed to not a lover, but to their pen, notebook, and thoughts, were some of the world’s most impressive (and mysterious) to me. They seemed so secure and level-headed. Maybe writing could help me, too.
At the time, it felt like nothing could pull me out of the abyss of self-loathing, grief, and confusion. How do you create energy and wellbeing from a place of exhaustion and anger?
You might think that in my sad girl slumber, I was brainstorming the perfect path to exit my depression chrysalis as the strong butterfly I had always wanted to be. Perhaps I could start the day with journaling and meditation, then go on to eat whole foods, connect with people I love, move my body, and get eight hours of sleep. Ha. That couldn’t be farther from what happened.
Instead, I found myself completely dissociated and barely able to complete daily living activities. I didn’t recognize myself. Nausea prevented me from enjoying foods that I’d loved for the last twenty-seven years (ahem, bacon). I was not brainstorming or thinking about anything, on purpose at least. My emotional brain was off. My logical brain, however, was firing on all four cylinders. This sent my anxiety to new heights. My nervous system was doing its best, but the fact that I had just ended a ten year, on-again-off-again connection with the person who I thought I was going to marry was impossible. No part of me wanted to get over it.
There was nothing glamorous or purposeful about recovering. Over the course of the next months, my only goal was to exist. I had scrolled over the popular quote that “time heals all,” and was fully banking on internet memes being right about it.
I alternated between laying in bed and staring at the ceiling, crying, being angry, and pushing myself to participate in activities that I used to enjoy. I lost friends. I latched onto any person, place, or thing that grabbed me tight with the lasso of its vitality and dragged me through the day. People told me to “get over it.” Some still tell me that.
There was no one inflection point when I recall starting to feel better. Rather, it was a slow and imperfect dig out of the breakup trenches, that was fueled by small attempts to reconnect with myself and others.
I noticed that meeting other New Yorkers reminded me of the person that I used to be: energized, curious, and lively. They didn’t remove the problem of my breakup, but they did show me a glimmer of my past self, who I had so clearly lost not just through the breakup, but also in the relationship.
So I kept meeting people. I enjoyed meeting people online (through Substack, mostly) because it was socialization with a low energy cost. I could continue sulking on my couch, all while engaging with others’ posts and starting to build my own Substack community. It was Hannah with the sweatpants in the bedroom, day in and day out. Colonel Mustard could never!
Eventually, my desire to socialize returned. Who knew that I was such an extrovert (hint: I did). My informal journaling on Substack - though unrelated to my breakup in content - remained a constant through it all.
My interest in writing on here slowly morphed into a greater desire to connect to this community in-person. I began hosting Substack meetups with just a few people at café tables. We always set out to get some serious writing done, but ultimately spent our time learning about one another. What do we like writing about? Where are we from? What problems have we encountered this week, this month, this year, this lifetime? What gives us energy? What sucks? What makes us feel alive? Who are we? Despite the very small scale of these meetups, I was so proud of them.
Only through the beautiful process of trial and error - which has required that I try dozens of things, to the dismay of my haters - have I discovered this wonderful community of people like me, who value me and want to connect on a deeper level.
Last week, I hosted my first ticketed Substack event.
Who else walked in the door but fifteen complex women, who also do too many things, just like I do. Among them:
- Notes from New York - a lawyer with two girls, whose Irish wit comes through in her writing and in-person.
- Sophia is Voracious - a to-the-point food writer injecting energy into my previously very sad work lunches.
- The Pickle Jar - an international queen and recovering theater kid with an eye for the best SoulCycle classes.
- Katya Cares - a refugee writing about her experience in New York, who finds joy in so many things: hosting, attending, inventing, publishing, etc.!
- still loading - a celebrator of life and sharer of frequent existential crises, whose calming energy affects her readers and friends in a beautiful way.
- Love Me Like a Robot - a self-proclaimed picky single woman, who texted every guy whose dumped her for research purposes.
- self-taught - an oldest sister with a giant family, who’s not afraid to do the damn thing!
- Tinier Desk - an ex-Substack employee determined to make all types of art fun and accessible.
I think we’re onto something.
Regimented journaling practices, being serious, and becoming an expert in one single subject still don’t resonate with me. You know what does? Trial and error. Complementing strangers. Failing forward. Publishing my thoughts at a random cadence. Community events. Putting myself out there. Making people feel appreciated. Giving it all back.
Thanks for being on this journey with me.
If you or a friend want to join my next meetup, I’d love to see you there! Maja thought of the lovely name that describes the night perfectly: Substack & The City.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
Gold Star⭐: The top recommendation of the week in any category.
The Commerce Inn, West Village. I already know that I’ll be a frequent flyer here. Tucked in the Cherry Lane Theater corner of The Village’s most quaint (and elite) street, The Commerce Inn stands behind green scaffolding planks, at least in this very moment. After walking in, you’ll be met with a soft, candle-lit ambiance, which contrasts from patrons’ lively chatter. The Commerce Inn offers old-American plates, such as bone marrow, “fry’d potatoes,” and herbed lamb chops. We ordered an array of dishes: the scallops in brown butter special, the brussels sprouts salad, the carrots appetizer, the half roast chicken, and the kippered trout. They were all delicious, flavorful, and not too filling (well - that’s a half truth. We did order too much for three people). The unexpected star of the show? Dessert. You must order the chocolate cake and “raspberry mess.” These two will go down in my list of top favorite desserts, which, for the record, is quite competitive to get on and rarely accepts new entries. I recommend The Commerce Inn for family outings, friend get-togethers, and dates. Get after it!
Community and Events:
Stand-Up Magic, The Gutter, Williamsburg. Stand-Up Magic, like the name denotes, is a show that’s part stand-up comedy and part magic. My friend Max co-produces the show and performs as one of its resident magicians, but our friendship isn’t the driving force behind my recommendation. I enjoyed Stand-Up Magic for two main reasons and one bonus reason: it’s entertaining, shocking, and cheap. The show features three returning performers: Max, Jason, and Tess. You could say that Tess is a big deal in the world of comedy. In addition to the Resident Trio, Max and Jason (who are also business partners) invite different comedic and magic acts to perform in every show. What surprised me most about Stand-up Magic, to my surprise, was the magic. The last time that I had an experience with “magic” was probably in second grade, when the nerdiest kid in class who wouldn’t stop trading Yu-Gi-Oh cards tried to make a coin disappear (it didn’t). Sure, adult magic is a little nerdy because it stemmed from the roots of the Yu-Gi-Oh boy. But it’s also a performance, one that made me question reality a million times over. I still have no idea how you do it, Max. I recommend Stand-up Magic for anyone wanting to take a friend to an entertaining live performance that won’t break the bank!
The Roosevelt Island Tram, Midtown East. Bet you didn’t know that you can ski in New York City! Got you, didn’t I. You can’t of course, and you know that I’ll be the first to tell you if that changes (I have dreams of skiing up Sixth Ave while being pulled behind a car - heard it here first). But until then, the Roosevelt Island Tram is as close as you’re going to get. Take the tram from 59th and 2nd to Roosevelt Island, which is a little community tucked between Manhattan and Queens. Hovering over Midtown Manhattan and taking in gorgeous city views - all while in a tram - is so freaking cool. It’s a cute and underrated low-cost outing in The Big Apple.
Hotel Elysée, Midtown East. This hotel is the perfect spot to put your parents up when they come visit you, Miss New Yorker (we also have a few Mr. New Yorkers reading - you would like it too!). You probably don’t recognize the name, but trust me, you know the place. It’s where Monkey Bar is. A family friend recommended Hotel Elysée after she had been staying there for years while visiting her son in the city, and the rest is history. It’s charming, cheap, and convenient. What else do you need for a weekend trip? The hotel is slated to undergo months of construction starting in April 2025, which will render it temporarily closed. However there’s time between now and then, so check ‘em out.
Food Recs:
Vinegar Hill House, DUMBO. Oh baby, winter in New York is so back. Now that our shoulders are up to our ears and we’d rather spend time indoors than out, Vinegar Hill House is a must. This New American restaurant is cozy from top to bottom. If you reserve a table in the “fireside dining room,” which I highly recommend, you’ll enjoy your meal cozied up to a live fire tended to by a hot lumberjack. I don’t make the rules! I can’t promise the lumberjack thing, but he was there when I went last year. Anywho, this restaurant is perfect for a ladies catch-up date or a cozy family meal.
Health & Wellness Recs:
Bergen Spa, Cobble Hill. If you’re like me and looking for wellness spots that won’t drain your bank account, you’ll love this place. They offer no-frills bodywork and foot massages just three stops into Brooklyn. The best part is easily the value. A 30 minute massage is $30 and 60 minute massage is $55. Yeah, RUN! As a woman, I feel that it’s important to note: I’ve always felt safe and not weirded out by the male massage therapists here.
Discounts on Past Favorite Things:
Othership, Flatiron; 2-for-1 class pack (new clients only), 11% off classes with code HANNAHCHRISTIAN (you can use the code once)
Sakara Life, use code NONOTESSAKARA for 20% off
Jamie’s Farm Granola, use code HANELIZAB3TH for 20% off
I appreciate you and your reading and sharing of this Substack. If you liked reading this, click the ❤️ button below so others can find me :)
x Hannah
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the space with us 💕
You’re such a gifted writer. I’m hooked!